Stop “fixing” yourself, design for your nervous system
Contrarian psychology for neurodivergent humans who are tired of being told to think differently and smile more.
I used to push clients to “challenge the thought.” It’s what the manuals say. Spot the distortion, dispute it, replace it. Sometimes it helped. Often it didn’t. Especially for AuDHD folks, anxiety didn’t behave like a math error. It behaved like a smoke alarm going off in the wrong kitchen.
The more I listened, the clearer it got: most people aren’t broken. Their contexts are. Loud rooms. Vague briefs. Social masking. Calendars designed for someone else’s brain. Then we call the body’s protest a disorder and throw more coping skills at it.
Here’s a different frame.
Anxiety isn’t lying, it’s signalling
“Challenge your thoughts” assumes the thought is the problem. Sometimes the problem is the situation: a sensory-noisy office, five competing priorities, a relationship script that punishes boundaries. When your nervous system surges, ask first: what is this trying to protect? If the answer is “my energy, my dignity, my focus,” then the work isn’t to silence the alarm. It’s to address the fire.
Try this: for one week, replace “Is this thought rational?” with “What’s the protective purpose here?” and “What would reduce the threat at the source?”
Masking isn’t a skill, it’s a tax
Performing “acceptable” burns through cognitive fuel. For many autistic and ADHD people, a full day of masking explains the evening crash far better than a character flaw does. You’re not failing to regulate; you’re paying a quiet tax all day.
Design shift: pick one context where you can drop 20% of the performance. That might mean stimming openly, asking for written follow-ups, or declining small talk at the start of meetings. Measure energy reclaimed, not approval won.
The body goes first, cognition follows
When arousal is high, your cortex is running on fumes. No affirmation can land while your heart thinks you’re in a car chase. Move first, then think.
Two-minute nervous system ladder:
30 seconds of breath you can hear.
30 seconds of isometric squeeze–release.
30 seconds of eye movement — look left–right slowly to map the room.
30 seconds of naming five safe objects.
Only after that, try the reframes.
Clarity beats motivation
Most “procrastination” in AuDHD isn’t laziness. It’s ambiguity. “Work on chapter” is a fog bank. “Open document; write a bad heading; list three sub-points” is a path.
Two-minute rule that actually respects neurodiversity: define a first visible action that can be finished without switching tools. If a timer helps, use it. If timers trigger pressure, use a physical checklist you can stab with a pen. The best system is the one your brain will actually use.
Environments aren’t neutral
If your desk is a museum of decisions, of course you’re tired before you start. Externalise memory; remove friction; pre-decide.
Three environmental tweaks:
Default document: a single “today.md” or paper sheet you open every morning so there’s never a decision about where to begin.
Context crates: a tray for each project that contains only the next three artefacts you need. Everything else lives out of sight.
Sensory contract: noise, light, and temperature you choose, not endure. Cheap headphones and a lamp can outperform expensive willpower.
The social layer matters
Depression often looks like a personal failing because we ignore the social contract it’s protesting. If the contract says “always be available, never disappoint, produce or be unworthy,” low mood might be your psyche’s strike action. Strikes aren’t solved with pep talks; they’re solved with negotiation.
Negotiate one boundary this week: script it, speak it, protect it. Notice whether your sleep or baseline anxiety changes.
A contrarian’s starter kit
Use what helps, ignore what doesn’t.
Replace “thought challenging” with “threat mapping.” What is the alarm guarding? How can you make the environment safer or clearer?
Budget your mask. Decide where you’ll drop 20% of the performance and reinvest that energy in real connection.
Body before brain. Two minutes to bring arousal down, then try the clever stuff.
Make the first action visible. If you can’t film it with a phone, it’s not concrete enough.
Design the room to remove decisions. Default document, context crates, sensory contract.
Negotiate one boundary. Your nervous system will notice.
Ship Notes. Treat them as field notes from a mind in motion, not marketing.
Pushback I often hear
“Isn’t this just avoiding hard things?”
No. It’s removing unnecessary friction so hard things become possible. We’re not eliminating discomfort; we’re eliminating waste.
“Won’t I become dependent on the environment?”
You already are. Everyone is. The difference is you’ll be deliberately dependent on supports that actually work for your brain.
“What about evidence-based therapy?”
Evidence isn’t a monolith. CBT helps many; it also underperforms when distress comes from realistic, systemic stressors or sensory overload. In those cases, the target is the context, not the cognition. Both/and beats either/or.
If you only do one thing this week
Pick a task you’re avoiding. Write the first visible action. Do it for two minutes after a quick body reset. Report what happened — to a friend, in a Note, or to yourself. Data beats stories about your character.
I’m not interested in turning you into a better performer of “normal.” I’m interested in helping you build a life that fits your nervous system—one where your energy goes to the things you actually care about, not to constantly proving you’re fine.
If that’s the psychology you’ve been looking for, you’re in the right place.
Quiet Half weaves psychology, writing, and neurodiversity into stories that shift how you see yourself — $5/month.
#neurodiversity #psychology #mentalhealth